Hello all! This is actually Cougar. Scott is having some internet problems at his house so I'm filling in a bit. I hope it is not too late for some of you to hop on and complete your homework tonight.
Anyways, I have to start by saying how much I enjoyed our 5K on Friday. I am very proud of how many of you did. We have come a long way from our early training sessions around the field (jogging 1 minute, walking 3 minutes). I am looking forward to the race next Saturday very much.
I imagine Scott and I will look at Ch. 8 from a different perspective than some of you. Provided we are both married, a discussion of happiness in relationships may be internalized to a different degree. However, I think that much of what Ben-Shahar is discussing can be helpful to those both in, and out, of a romantic relationship. For example, I believe his concept of "knowing and being known" is powerful even in non-romantic relationships. As I was reading this section I thought of our class. For me personally, this year is far more meaningful as a teacher because I am both getting to know you students better as well as sharing more of myself with you than I have done in the past. I do, however, feel that as the year progresses this mutual "knowing" will increase. This Thursday I will be doing a presentation for Red Ribbon Week. I have been thinking a lot about what I want to say. It has been interesting, I keep feeling that I need to share more about myself during this presentation. It makes me a little uncomfortable talking about my life and my experiences and I'm concerned that I will come off as self-righteous or arrogant. On the other hand, maybe it is necessary to share who I am and where I have been so that you, the students, can begin to do the same.
At any rate, this chapter has caused me to ponder at length about my marriage. Marriage truly is work - meaningful, necessary, heart-breaking work. I am excited to have my wife read the chapter, and the whole book for that matter. In the meantime I will work on loving her "core self" and "cultivating" our relationship.
Time to watch some sports highlights and hop in bed. See you all in the morning.-Cougar
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I had a harder time getting into chapter 8 then the previous 2 chapters we've read, however I still really liked it. For starters, I enjoyed the chapters ending exercise: A Letter of Gratitude. This is just a little note I've wanted to give to somebody in class...
Corey- The day we acted out our 5 shot Montages for Julia you commented on the stickers I added to my ID. You even noted that, "...before you only had the one rainbow sticker..." I wasn't expecting anybody to notice the additions, let alone what my ID looked like originally, but you did. It was probably nothing to you -I mean... they're stickers for goodness sakes- but to me it meant a lot. I just wanted to thank you for making me feel "known" that day. I know stickers don't describe my "core-self" however, stickers do give me pleasure AND now my ID stickers have a lot of meaning to me on a personal level. I really don't think you're aware of how big a deal your "observation" was to me, but I wanted to let you know how appreciative I am. Thanks again.
-KD
Unconditional Love was probably my favorite section of chapter 8. On page 113 Ben-Shahar asks, "What does it mean to be wanted or loved for who we really are? To put it another way, what are we talking about when we talk about unconditional love, a phrase we throw around in the bedroom, the children's rooms, the classroom? Do we mean we want someone to love us for no reason? To love us no mater what? Are we saying that love needs no justification?" That paragraph reminded me of chapter 1 when one of the Time In's asked us to define the term happiness. I don't know if any of you found it easy to define happiness, but I didn't and I think love is equally as challenging. I know I've mentioned this before in class but, to me, love and happiness are two very complex products with simple general ideas. Further down page 113 in the second paragraph Ben-Shahar says, "When a man falls in love with a woman, he does so for certain conscious or unconscious reasons. He may feel that he loves her "for who she is" but not be sure what he means by that; when asked to articulate why he loves her, he might respond, "I don't know, I just do." I think that's a perfect example for what I mean; we all know (or think we know) in general, what love is, but when we need to explain it or give it a thorough definition we're not sure how to. Maybe that's because when we love somebody we're not usually thinking (or conscious as Ben-Shahar says) about what it is we love about that person's "core-self." We just notice the feeling alone. Speaking of the "reasons" we love someone, page 113 continues to say, "We are taught that falling in love with someone is about following your heart- that love, by definition, is inexplicable, mystical, beyond reason. However, if it really is love that we feel, we do feel it for a reason. These reasons might not be conscious and accessible, but they nevertheless exist." When I read that and the part above where Ben-Shahar talks about the man thinking he loves a woman "for who she is" I was really fascinated. It definitely made me more aware of the actual qualities I'm attracted to in the people I love. For instance, I often tell people my mom is an amazing woman and I love her, however amazing doesn't describe who she is. It's a word I use to sum everything up because when I look at everything my mom is, it adds to amazing.
Here are some quotations:
*On page 112 at the bottom of the top paragraph it states, "There is no other topic that is written about more (in poetry, fiction, or nonfiction) or discussed more (in cafes, schools, online, or on the couch) than romantic love - the passionate attachment between two people. There is also no other topic as deeply misunderstood."
*Then on page 121 at the bottom of the top paragraph it's talking about the movie scene and how the romance movies have the passionate kiss and "happily ever after" ending and it says, "The problem is that movies end where love begins. It's the living happily ever after that poses the greatest challenge; it's after the sun sets that difficulties often rise." I thought those two quotes fit each other. Isn't it strange how something so common and highly incorporated into our lives is one of the things we still hardly know anything about and are continuously screwing up? Do you think that's because we all have our own perspective on what love is and how it should play out?
*I liked all of the second paragraph on page 114, but I'll only quote part of it, "Her behavior (starting the program) reflects her self core, whereas the outcome of her behavior (whether or not the programs succeeds) does not. If someone loved her unconditionally, he would, of course, be delighted by the program's success and saddened by its failure; either way, though his feelings toward her would not change because her core self would not have changed." I don't know how to word why I liked this paragraph. I just thought it was a good way to show the difference between her core-self characteristics and external factors. I you read that page what I said will make more sense; hopefully.
*Pg. 120, the second paragraph, "The process of knowing and being known is, potentially, never ending, as there is always more that can be revealed, always more that can be discovered." I loved this. There is so much in life to learn and in reality you're never going to know everything, therefore, "the process of knowing" in my opinion, is indeed never ending.
*Pg. 115, second paragraph, "The knowledge that we are unconditionally loved creates a psychological space of safety and security." I agree with that. 'Love is a powerful thing.' The end.
By the way Cougar, thanks for answering my question for chapter 7 and heck yes for our 5k on Saturday! Is there going to be a Halloween party afterwards?
In ch. 8 i liked like a hole paragraph well i don't know if you would say i liked it but it interested me "He may feel that he just loves her "for who she is" but not be sure what he means by that; when asked to articulate why he loves her, he might respond, "i don't know,i just do". We are taught that falling in love with someone is about following our heart, not our mind-that love, by definition is inexplicable, mystical, beyond reason.I thought that was interesting because it really makes sense how do you know you love someone its a feeling that you can't control that makes no sense and theres no way of explaining it.
♥♥
p.s.still reppin fo da killas n da hundred dolla billas.[MOF.KING.FOSHO.]
I thought that it was interesting that he said that no relationship could be successful if it was based on pure lust. I think that this i true and I found it very interesting that he also said that only 60% of marriges in the U.S. end up lasting till the end and he then goes on to talk aout how
sorry it got cut off but I thought that is was interesting that he said that this may mean that we are not made for long term relations.
I considered the part about only 60% of marriages lasting was interesting. Truthfully I thought that the number was much lower. Many of my friends parents have been divorced as well as my parents. To me it seemed like divorce was a new popular thing for people to do so finding out that as many marriages are successful surprised me. Though I think it would be better if a larger amout of them lasted.
My word is lust I think this is an interesting word because it describes so many different kinds of want and my quote is does this mean that we are not meant for long term relations No.
"We are tought that falling in love with someone is abot following our harts"
i think that this is true we are tought that love is somthing that we will experince when we get older and its not somthing to play around with.
chapter 8 where it says "even within a relationship in which partners love each other and want to be together, happiness can be undermined by the belief that sacrifice is synonymous with love_ that the greater the sacrifice, the deeper the love". That says to me that some people who are in love and want to be together are still overall unhappy in their relationship becuase they feel like they have to be more misserable for love to grow deeper.
I was really interested in the "Time in" section of chaptor 8. It says, "Think about one or two of your past relationships-either romantic relationships or friendships. What quadrant did they fall under? did the nature of these relationships change over time?" It was really interesting for me to think about those questions whilet thinking about my old relationships.
My quotation comes from the section of chapter 8 titled the Circle of Happiness. I think it's fascinating that the more we support the pursuits of our loved ones, the happier we become. Here's the quotation:
"The circle of creativity is a space in which children can take risks and try things out, fall and stand up again, fail and succeed--because they feel secure and safe in the presence of a person who loves them unconditionally."
Schools are supposed to be safe environments where students should be able to express themselves and dare to try new things. Unfortunately that's usually not the case. Hopefully as we all get to know and appreciate each other in service corps the circle of happiness will become stronger.
"Man people mistake pure sexual desire (lust) for true love, but while sexual attraction is necessary for romantic love, it is not sufficient on its own. A relationship founded primarily on lust cannot last for long. No matter how "objectively" attractive one's partner is or how much "subjective" attraction exists between the partners, the initial excitement, the purely physical attraction, wears off."
I agree that Love is not the same as lust and how many can often mistaken the two. A relationship purely based on lust will never flourish but rather deminish. Love is so much more than sexual attraction. Love is about connection. Sexual attraction without connection will end in failer, and the attraction will fade.
i was reading ch. 8 and the second page and i found one that i think should be true about every girl...it says "I want women to want me for who I am, not for being the national champion"..When the women cares about who they are everything goes alot better then if the guys were being liked for being a national champion.
on page 121 2nd paragraph it says" the mistaken notion that fnding love guarantees eternal bliss leads partners to neglect the journey the day to day issues, activities, and events that shape the relationship. " i disagree with this statement i dont think anyone can really tell you how your relationship is or if you wil have problems or not, or be happy and blissfull. but for the most part i agree with chapter
It was very true what Cougar said about us students probably having a different perspective on this chapter than he and Scott did but nevertheless, I really enjoyed it. I really loved the quote on page 113 in the 2nd paragraph in where it says, "When a man falls in love with a woman, he does so for certain conscious or unconscious reasons. He may feel that he just loves her 'for who she is' but not be sure what he means by that; when asked to articulate why he loves her, he might respond, 'I don't know, I just do.' We are taught that falling in love with someone is about following our heart, not our mind - that love, by definition, is inexplicable, mystical, beyond reason. However if it is really love that we feel, we do feel it for a reason. These reasons might not be conscious and accessible, but they nevertheless exist." I really liked this because I have heard things like this in a lot of situations. It is so hard to explain what love is, or why you love a certain person, place or thing. When I am asked by others why I love certain friends, family members or close loved ones of mine, I have a hard time answering the question. It's hard to explain why I love them mostly because I love them for so many reasons, for everything, and everything can be anything. I don't think this applies to romance-only love. I think this kind of thing can apply to any kind of love you feel for anything, anywhere, and anyone. I also really enjoyed the way that Ben-Shahar described sacrifice: "It is important to note that standing by one's partner in a time of need is not sacrifice; when we love someone, we often feel that helping that person is helping ourselves. As Nathaniel Branden notes, 'This is the great complement of love: that our self-interest expands to encompass our partner.' When I speak of sacrifice here, I am speaking of a person renouncing something that is essential to his or her happiness. For example, a woman permanently giving up work she loves and cannot find elsewhere so that her husband can take a job abroad is sacrificing... The same woman taking a week off from work because she wants to help her husband with an important project is not necessarily sacrificing..." I love that because it is true that most people think that just taking time away from their day to help someone in need is really sacrificing, but in reality it isn't, because even if you were planning on doing something important that day and had to put it off till later, you can still do whatever it is you needed to do before you helped whoever it was that needed helping. Oh and by the way Karissa, I loved that little note you wrote for Cory. It's really cool that you applied that idea to something that actually happened in our class. Haha and on a similar note, I would like to thank you for putting up with my craziness all the time!!! Wow... us and our saran wrap raincoats and ice-cream on a cold night! :) I luv ya!
In Happier; page 112, second paragraph, Ben-Shahar's mother says, Your being the national Champion is a reflection of who you are, of, among other things, your passion and dedication." my mother understood the situation, winning the championship merely made certain qualities more visible. The external attracted more attention to the internal. This makes me think about my past relationships and I'm wondering if the two girls I've dated really wanted me for who I was and the same for me wanting them for who they where. Passion and Dedication
This was by far my favorite chapter thus far in my reading. I am able to absorb more meaning from the text than normal, because it is so important to me. Some may know that being involved in an intimate, romantic relationship is not an easy path to pursue. Chances are, if you or your partner is human, you will run into problems and hardships.
The point of getting into a relationship is to be happier than you were beforehand. If I involve myself with someone simply for sex, the relationship will not end up making me any happier then I was to begin with. In order for my relationship to last, I need to love my partner for their "core self." As it was put by Ben Shahar, "Growing familiar with your partner, getting to truly know her can also lead to higher levels of intimacy-and thus to both deeper love and better sex."
Recently, I have questioned the meaning behind my relationship. At the time, I knew I loved my partner. I had just grown bored of dates that lacked a deeper form of self-expression. It was as if we were finished getting to know each other and carried on with the romantic side of our relationship.
After so long I no longer felt the desire to show intimacy. I felt that if we were pleasuring each other without meaning, our relationship had become sedentary. This quotation only reinforced my feelings.
Having people about whom we care and who care about us to share our lives with; to share the events and thoughts and feelings in our livs, intensifies our experience of meaning, consoles us in our pain, deepens our sense of delight in the world. Intimate friendships, according to seventeenth-century philosopher Francis Bacon," redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." without friendship writes Aristotle, no hapiness is possible.
I think that totally true. If I didn't have my family or friends to talk to about my problems or struggles, I probably would'not have beable to get through some of the struggles without them. If you had no friends or family you would be depressed and unhappy and have nobody to care for in life or good role-models to talk to or just hang out with. Friends and family do make your life better.
Thank you Jessica for commenting on my post. And I enjoy all your craziness my dear. There is no need to fret about me "putting up" with it. We float in the same boat.
On Pg. 111 in Ch. 8 Lord Byron writes "All who would win joy must share it; happiness was born a twin." I chose that because everybody should be happy and those who are happy should share it with other people. I don't like people that are down and what not. da mof king
I liked how he said that spending time with friend, family, or romantic partners was necessary for happiness. I also agree with him.
To be loved for our wealth, power or fame is to be loved conditionaly, to be loved steadfastness, intensity or warmth is to be lved unconditionally.
I think what the quote is trying to sat is that there is a difference between the people who love you for who you are and a difference between the people who love you for the things you have
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